45 days of Pen on Fire

Inspired by the chapter "create a written snapshot" from Barbara DeMarco-Barrett's Pen on Fire.

Chapter Take-Away: How can I verbally evoke emotion while describing the mundane? Connect with a memory where I encountered similar feelings to that which my character is experiencing and extract empathetic details for the reader to latch onto as well.

Most of my friends "create a written snapshot" every time they post a Facebook Status, which is a great exercise at being vivid with imagery while adhering to an economy of words.

Who doesn't recognize the cuteness factor of a two year old pointing to a picture of Shamu (Sea World's famous killer whale, or orca) and calling it a "cow mermaid"?

Who doesn't understand what a three year old means when he says he feels "like a burned up french fry and a dead fish" right before throwing up?

Who wouldn't crack up at a four year old boy running through the house naked, yelling, "Michelangelo! Michelangelo! Michelangelo!"?
OR
Being torn between a laugh and a sympathetic whimper when a woman is afraid she has somehow become invisible because of the way people look past her and one of her friends sets a picture of a blank wall on his cellphone to display when she calls.

***

Now there are also ways of drawing a word picture by forming correlations with the things around a character. When my character Dannen is contemplating being sent away while laying on his back in an open field behind his grandpa's house, he finds a parallel between his situation and the clouds above him:

' Wide blue sky and pale wisps of cloud swept above him. These clouds weren't quite as impressive as the billowing pillar to the east, still visible, still unchanged. But he could relate to these-- disconnected, blown about by the wind.
Soon they'd be gone too. '

TRY YOUR HAND: Write a scene about a character standing outside a building.
Where are they? Insert sensory details: sight, sound, smell, touch...
Why are they there?
Now what is the character struggling with internally?
Is he trying to talk himself into going in? What is preventing him?
Is she trying to convince herself to walk away? What is she tempted to do in there?
Or has he just left and he's afraid of the consequences of what just transpired?
How can your past experiences add richness and authenticity to the scene?

Boiling Water, Christmas, and Fishing

How to illustrate a point? Oh, let me count the ways. But I promise that any metaphor, simile or imagery will be strongest when you closely tie it to your character.

Take for example what I originally had in my manuscript to punctuate a time of waiting—

He counted down the hours, which, only made it that much longer. Like trying to watch a pot of water come to a boil. Maddening.

In a critique group someone pointed out that you don’t “try” to watch a pot of water come to a boil, you actually watch it, but there are other problems besides. One, the image is a bit cliché. But also it wasn’t as strong as it could’ve been. To be specific, it had no ties to my character. The “he” in the story is an almost fifteen year old boy. Not many boys his age do a lot of cooking, and hardly any would look forward expectantly to a pot of water boiling. So this illustration falls short, but it’s got me headed in the right direction.

First off, I know what I’m trying to say. I just have to get it in tune with the story and my character. So I ask myself “What do boys his age look forward to?” How ‘bout Christmas? Not all boys, of course, celebrate Christmas, but it so happens that he does, so that would work.

My revision looks like this—

Dannen counted down the hours, which only made them take that much longer. Like waiting for Christmas to come when it’s only Thanksgiving. Maddening.

This has strength, because of its hyperbolic tone it sounds like a fifteen year old, so we’re close. Many kids will be able to relate to the illustration, but it might not be specific enough. It doesn’t have to be a broad example. Use what you’ve built for your character.

In my book, the main character loves fishing, which is already established for the reader by the time this troublesome text comes along, so I could use that. Something like,

Dannen counted down the hours, which only made them take that much longer. Like watching for your reel to spin when the lake hasn’t yet been stocked with fish. Maddening.

There are endless possibilities. Don’t worry about finding the perfect line for your first draft. Write. Write. Write. Fill your manuscript with clichés if those come easiest so that your story continues to move forward. And then when you go back, take the time to find out what those clichés are really trying to say, and then let the voice of your character say it better.

First Page Revision (excerpts)

I have read and re-read The First Five Pages- A Writer's Guide to Staying Out of the Rejection Pile by Noah Lukeman and it is a constant resource for me. I thought I would give a glimpse into how I revised bits of my first chapter after reading his first five pages. Okay, not literally. His Introduction doesn't start until page eleven. But the second chapter on Adjectives and Adverbs was especially helpful in tightening my prose.

Here is a picture of the old page marked up:

(click for a bigger view)

And here is the same passage after revisions (it is preceded by another section now which is not shown here)

(click for a bigger view)

This is by no means a final draft of the "first page", but it's a lot closer. Getting rid of extraneous words and replacing weak words with stronger ones (like extraneous! Nice.) makes for a much tighter manuscript.

Book Opener

Here is my current first paragraph from my manuscript:



A winged figure perched on the roof of a convenience store. He set his eyes on a door at the far end of the dusty town square. When laughter erupted from a swarm of kids just under the eaves, his gaze remained steadfast.



AS A READER: Does this make you want to read further? What story questions does it bring up?

TRY YOUR HAND AT WRITING: With this as a starting point, how would you have continued? (Share your hypothetical paragraph in a comment for others to see.)