Boiling Water, Christmas, and Fishing

How to illustrate a point? Oh, let me count the ways. But I promise that any metaphor, simile or imagery will be strongest when you closely tie it to your character.

Take for example what I originally had in my manuscript to punctuate a time of waiting—

He counted down the hours, which, only made it that much longer. Like trying to watch a pot of water come to a boil. Maddening.

In a critique group someone pointed out that you don’t “try” to watch a pot of water come to a boil, you actually watch it, but there are other problems besides. One, the image is a bit cliché. But also it wasn’t as strong as it could’ve been. To be specific, it had no ties to my character. The “he” in the story is an almost fifteen year old boy. Not many boys his age do a lot of cooking, and hardly any would look forward expectantly to a pot of water boiling. So this illustration falls short, but it’s got me headed in the right direction.

First off, I know what I’m trying to say. I just have to get it in tune with the story and my character. So I ask myself “What do boys his age look forward to?” How ‘bout Christmas? Not all boys, of course, celebrate Christmas, but it so happens that he does, so that would work.

My revision looks like this—

Dannen counted down the hours, which only made them take that much longer. Like waiting for Christmas to come when it’s only Thanksgiving. Maddening.

This has strength, because of its hyperbolic tone it sounds like a fifteen year old, so we’re close. Many kids will be able to relate to the illustration, but it might not be specific enough. It doesn’t have to be a broad example. Use what you’ve built for your character.

In my book, the main character loves fishing, which is already established for the reader by the time this troublesome text comes along, so I could use that. Something like,

Dannen counted down the hours, which only made them take that much longer. Like watching for your reel to spin when the lake hasn’t yet been stocked with fish. Maddening.

There are endless possibilities. Don’t worry about finding the perfect line for your first draft. Write. Write. Write. Fill your manuscript with clichés if those come easiest so that your story continues to move forward. And then when you go back, take the time to find out what those clichés are really trying to say, and then let the voice of your character say it better.